Cleaning Out My Inner Closet...

At this point, I am not sure  what the  title of today's blog is  going to be but in honor of Earth Day, I am using an earth tone for my color.  ;-)  I am starting off with what is on my mind and see  where  it leads me.  I am not creative in any kind of  sense. I marvel and admire  other people's creativity.                                                              
  
I am a perfectionist in the  sense that if  I tackle a job, I will do the  best that I can and will work on it until I think it is  perfect.  I have  several "hobbies" (if you will).  For  instance,  I can crochet, in the simplest form of crocheting, unlike my Mother (when she was alive) and my oldest  sister  who still can  crochet  anyone I know  under the  table.  She can make  anything with OUT a pattern and  I so  admire  her for her talent. I like to  scrapbook and  have  several different  projects in mind, but  they sit undone.  


I learned how to work with  stain glass  a few  years ago and all my  equipment  sits idle. I also like to work  with plastic canvas and it  too  sits, packed  away.  As a craft project at our family reunions, I introduced Pearler Beads and it became a  big hit.  It is also,  for me, is a way to relax and let the  stress  roll of my  back but  they too are  packed away. 


I guess  I started out thinking about these  things today because it is  Earth Day and  I am in bad need of a cleaning out  process.  Now if you think I am talking about  cleaning out and  getting rid of  all of my stuff,  YOU CAN  THINK AGAIN !!   I am a collector of  stuff and MY  stuff  is MY stuff.  I just have to convince my husband of this.

However,  I am really  talking of  something  deeper, the  inner me.  The  me that  NO ONE ever  sees.  That is the  part of me that I need to start cleaning out.   NOT  that  I am a bad  person or have  deep inner thoughts of a  dark  nature  but every once in awhile, I think I need a  good  "talking too"  and  in the  process  I clean out the  negativity inside me.  Normally  I start out with a more  positive  outlook  on how to go  about this and  wonder  if  today is not the  day  to start  my cleansing process..


Do you ever  feel like there is another  person, maybe the  person you USE to be is inside you, just  waiting to get out? 
I am not talking literal-just trying to rationalize my thinking process. Trying to work on cleaning out my "inner closet"..   Oh I have just found my title, "Cleaning Out My Inner Closet".  This is how I work..  or rather how my brain works...  


I so  admire people  that have their lives together, I USE  to be one of those people or  I thought I was at the  time, ha!  Since July 2009, I have felt lost, my life changed, maybe for the  better,  I am not as  stressed out as I was but "stresses" change in ones life, when your  surroundings change, you lose a job, you lose friends, your finances change, your Independence is taken away, so many different things can happen.  It is how you choose to handle these  changes that makes the difference.  


I have not handled them very well and  I am trying to find my way back to reality and  I really don't  have a clue as to how to go about it.  I think that the thinking process must be  the  first  step.   Ok  let's make a list.... (I am just a person with my own thoughts and thinking process,  this  list is of course, for me.)  Here's to hoping to find a better way to deal with what life has dealt me.   


1. Thought process: Your thinking that there must be some kind of  change that needs to take place.
2. Make a list:  Write it down.   For me, as you can  see,  lists are very important.
3. Start slow - Take ONE step at a time:  Jumping in too fast, may  get you over your head and cause overwhelming side effects.
4. Keep it Real:  Don't make it hard, keep it simple.
5. Take Action:  Again, take one step at a time even if it is "small Baby Steps"  Ever see the movie, "What About Bob?"
6. Step Back:  Take  a  look every now and then at where you are in your process.  
7. Allow Room For Set-backs:  If things don't go the way you think that they should,  take a break  from it and start again when your  ready..


OK SO NOW....   I just have to make myself keep this list in full  view and  in my thoughts at all times AND most important,  APPLY it to the problem at hand...


I hope you all have a  great  weekend!! 

Some of you may be wondering....

Some of you may be  wondering....  WHY  I would  want to even bother  blogging  about my life and  then WHO would even want to read it..   Well I have come to a point in my life  where  I have to write it down for the  following reasons,  #1 - It makes me feel better..   #2 it helps me to remember things...  #3 It makes me feel better -  so If you don't  want to read it then, DON'T.   #4 It makes me feel better.   So the moral of this story is that,  It makes me feel better,  so I have decided to go with  what makes me  feel better.  My life is an open book with some  details left out to protect the  innocent   (heehee, I have always wanted to say that)...  


I would never put anything out there that  would offend anyone or hurt anyones feelings (or at least I don't think that I have and if  I have  it was not intentional and I  HUMBLY  apologize. 


So again, I enjoy jotting down my feelings and it helps keep me focused and it balances out my day. I don't write  every day and some  days are  better than others..  so it is your choice, you can follow my blogs or not..  Some people  use  Facebook and Twitter for blogging and  or  putting their  thoughts out there.  So it is totally up  to you but a  couple of  people that I have talked to about my blogs have asked  what I  write about or  where  they can find the blogs and read them.  I was hesitant about putting them out for  others  to read  because I am not a  showy person or lead  any kind of exciting life (far from it) but  I enjoy reading  other blogs and they  make me feel better for the  most part so why not share mine  too.


Enjoy... 

Time for Action

 It is Time for me to take action.  I have FM/CFS I have been denied for disability benefits and everyone keeps telling me to try again. I applied on my own and filling out the paperwork was exhausting enough then to have them say no was just more than I could take at the time. But I will be 50 in a few months and most days my body feels like it must be 80. I read an article on "but you don't look sick.com" and it  has inspired me to try again. 


 It was a boost for me to hear from others in similar situations and   a reminder that I worked hard at a either a full time job and some times 2 part time jobs, working between 60 -80 hours a week , from the time I was 14 until two years ago when I lost my job after almost 9 years of bad evaluations because I could not keep up with my work load. One day I woke up thinking I just can’t continue on like this anymore and I crossed over that very important line into the world of the unemployed.  My husbands check barely pays the bills and we don’t have any health insurance so doctor appointments and prescriptions are a huge stress and a major argument topic at our house. 


I tried again the next year for 3 weeks at a new job with less stress and I LOVED that job. The hardest part of that job was getting there on time every day. I missed 3 days of work in that 3 week period and although I was let go because business was slow, those 3 days didn’t  look good on my record. 


So, it is time for me to lift myself up by the bootstraps and get busy reapplying for those benefits..  It may not be easy but I have to give it my best shot.  


Life should not have to be this hard. 


 SuzyQ (aka Poosers61)