Cleaning Out My Inner Closet...

At this point, I am not sure  what the  title of today's blog is  going to be but in honor of Earth Day, I am using an earth tone for my color.  ;-)  I am starting off with what is on my mind and see  where  it leads me.  I am not creative in any kind of  sense. I marvel and admire  other people's creativity.                                                              
  
I am a perfectionist in the  sense that if  I tackle a job, I will do the  best that I can and will work on it until I think it is  perfect.  I have  several "hobbies" (if you will).  For  instance,  I can crochet, in the simplest form of crocheting, unlike my Mother (when she was alive) and my oldest  sister  who still can  crochet  anyone I know  under the  table.  She can make  anything with OUT a pattern and  I so  admire  her for her talent. I like to  scrapbook and  have  several different  projects in mind, but  they sit undone.  


I learned how to work with  stain glass  a few  years ago and all my  equipment  sits idle. I also like to work  with plastic canvas and it  too  sits, packed  away.  As a craft project at our family reunions, I introduced Pearler Beads and it became a  big hit.  It is also,  for me, is a way to relax and let the  stress  roll of my  back but  they too are  packed away. 


I guess  I started out thinking about these  things today because it is  Earth Day and  I am in bad need of a cleaning out  process.  Now if you think I am talking about  cleaning out and  getting rid of  all of my stuff,  YOU CAN  THINK AGAIN !!   I am a collector of  stuff and MY  stuff  is MY stuff.  I just have to convince my husband of this.

However,  I am really  talking of  something  deeper, the  inner me.  The  me that  NO ONE ever  sees.  That is the  part of me that I need to start cleaning out.   NOT  that  I am a bad  person or have  deep inner thoughts of a  dark  nature  but every once in awhile, I think I need a  good  "talking too"  and  in the  process  I clean out the  negativity inside me.  Normally  I start out with a more  positive  outlook  on how to go  about this and  wonder  if  today is not the  day  to start  my cleansing process..


Do you ever  feel like there is another  person, maybe the  person you USE to be is inside you, just  waiting to get out? 
I am not talking literal-just trying to rationalize my thinking process. Trying to work on cleaning out my "inner closet"..   Oh I have just found my title, "Cleaning Out My Inner Closet".  This is how I work..  or rather how my brain works...  


I so  admire people  that have their lives together, I USE  to be one of those people or  I thought I was at the  time, ha!  Since July 2009, I have felt lost, my life changed, maybe for the  better,  I am not as  stressed out as I was but "stresses" change in ones life, when your  surroundings change, you lose a job, you lose friends, your finances change, your Independence is taken away, so many different things can happen.  It is how you choose to handle these  changes that makes the difference.  


I have not handled them very well and  I am trying to find my way back to reality and  I really don't  have a clue as to how to go about it.  I think that the thinking process must be  the  first  step.   Ok  let's make a list.... (I am just a person with my own thoughts and thinking process,  this  list is of course, for me.)  Here's to hoping to find a better way to deal with what life has dealt me.   


1. Thought process: Your thinking that there must be some kind of  change that needs to take place.
2. Make a list:  Write it down.   For me, as you can  see,  lists are very important.
3. Start slow - Take ONE step at a time:  Jumping in too fast, may  get you over your head and cause overwhelming side effects.
4. Keep it Real:  Don't make it hard, keep it simple.
5. Take Action:  Again, take one step at a time even if it is "small Baby Steps"  Ever see the movie, "What About Bob?"
6. Step Back:  Take  a  look every now and then at where you are in your process.  
7. Allow Room For Set-backs:  If things don't go the way you think that they should,  take a break  from it and start again when your  ready..


OK SO NOW....   I just have to make myself keep this list in full  view and  in my thoughts at all times AND most important,  APPLY it to the problem at hand...


I hope you all have a  great  weekend!! 

Some of you may be wondering....

Some of you may be  wondering....  WHY  I would  want to even bother  blogging  about my life and  then WHO would even want to read it..   Well I have come to a point in my life  where  I have to write it down for the  following reasons,  #1 - It makes me feel better..   #2 it helps me to remember things...  #3 It makes me feel better -  so If you don't  want to read it then, DON'T.   #4 It makes me feel better.   So the moral of this story is that,  It makes me feel better,  so I have decided to go with  what makes me  feel better.  My life is an open book with some  details left out to protect the  innocent   (heehee, I have always wanted to say that)...  


I would never put anything out there that  would offend anyone or hurt anyones feelings (or at least I don't think that I have and if  I have  it was not intentional and I  HUMBLY  apologize. 


So again, I enjoy jotting down my feelings and it helps keep me focused and it balances out my day. I don't write  every day and some  days are  better than others..  so it is your choice, you can follow my blogs or not..  Some people  use  Facebook and Twitter for blogging and  or  putting their  thoughts out there.  So it is totally up  to you but a  couple of  people that I have talked to about my blogs have asked  what I  write about or  where  they can find the blogs and read them.  I was hesitant about putting them out for  others  to read  because I am not a  showy person or lead  any kind of exciting life (far from it) but  I enjoy reading  other blogs and they  make me feel better for the  most part so why not share mine  too.


Enjoy... 

Time for Action

 It is Time for me to take action.  I have FM/CFS I have been denied for disability benefits and everyone keeps telling me to try again. I applied on my own and filling out the paperwork was exhausting enough then to have them say no was just more than I could take at the time. But I will be 50 in a few months and most days my body feels like it must be 80. I read an article on "but you don't look sick.com" and it  has inspired me to try again. 


 It was a boost for me to hear from others in similar situations and   a reminder that I worked hard at a either a full time job and some times 2 part time jobs, working between 60 -80 hours a week , from the time I was 14 until two years ago when I lost my job after almost 9 years of bad evaluations because I could not keep up with my work load. One day I woke up thinking I just can’t continue on like this anymore and I crossed over that very important line into the world of the unemployed.  My husbands check barely pays the bills and we don’t have any health insurance so doctor appointments and prescriptions are a huge stress and a major argument topic at our house. 


I tried again the next year for 3 weeks at a new job with less stress and I LOVED that job. The hardest part of that job was getting there on time every day. I missed 3 days of work in that 3 week period and although I was let go because business was slow, those 3 days didn’t  look good on my record. 


So, it is time for me to lift myself up by the bootstraps and get busy reapplying for those benefits..  It may not be easy but I have to give it my best shot.  


Life should not have to be this hard. 


 SuzyQ (aka Poosers61)

what day is this?

First  I want to  talk about the things I can't control and why it bothers me when I can't.   For instance,  I love different FONTS...  I like to change my font when the mood strikes me and  I like  certain ones  better  than others.  I wish there were more to choose  from on this blog site..  I don't have  very many things left in my life that I can  control so it really burns me up when something so small as  FONT has to be in the majority...  I can not control the  weather but it sure has a  strange way of changing so that it controls me, or  rather how  I feel.   Daylight Savings Time is another one that has a way with messing  with my pain level.  I  can't  control the amount of time I am able to sleep - day time - night time - anytime  4 - 6 hours and it's  wake up time.  That reminds me, it's time  for  my meds....  Off my train of thought (again)!!  Oh pet peeves...
I can't control my emotions...  cry at the  drop of a  hat... I can't do anything else about anything so might as  well cry..  I feel like screaming when I am not crying or trying not to cry..  But what will that  get me... WELL   we  won't  go into that one  today.. 
I can't  control  anything anymore so why try and kid myself into thinking that I can.. I use to be able to multi-task and complete several things at once.  Now I am lucky if I remember to take my medicine or eat so that I can take it.  My poor  animals don't  get  fed unless  I can remember to feed them...  Sticky note to self...  feed  the animals...


Ok so I looked up at the title of my blog today and it says " what day is this"?  I started off with a thought and  went 360 degrees in the opposite direction...  I never know what  day of the  week it is..  and you can forget asking me the date....  Like I knew  that today (Thursday)  my sister was leaving to go visit her son and  I was on standby to go "house/animal sit"  for them if her husband got a call to go back to work.  I knew it was Thursday the 24th of March that all of this was  suppose to happen.   Yesterday I had to ask my husband what day it was because  I couldn't remember and as  soon as he  said it was the 23rd, (now of course you noticed that I asked for the  DAY  and  he  tells  me  the  DATE), but  it hit me that I  knew that it was  Wednesday because my sister was leaving on Thursday the  24th.   But that is how it is with me, I don't go anywhere so I don't have to know  the  day or  the  date....  Any upcoming  events go up on the  refrigerator door so that I see it several times a day and less likely to forget.


Just got a call from my husband, saying that his elderly mother got a phone call from someone saying that one of our  sons was  in jail in Canada and needed money.   It is NOT  true.. it  is  a  SCAM, so  beware of phone calls like this one..


Our youngest son just sent me a text  asking how I am doing on the  pictures that  they are requesting to display at their wedding.. I had several obstacles with the  pictures and got ready to print them and discovered I was out of photo paper.  So I  have paper now and  here I sit..     time to move....    Happy blogging...

Ever Wonder if...

Ever wonder if your life is spiraling in a down hill circle and you can't get off?  It's like you wake up one  day and you wonder where the last 30 years have gone.  Your marriage has turned into a war zone or you spend the  day ignoring each other.  Your children are grown and you love the fact that you have grandchildren even though you are almost 50, over weight, out of shape and your body has betrayed you in more ways than you care to remember.  
You try as long as you can to keep a  smile on your face so that everyone thinks you are happy and  then one day you snap and everyone looks at each other and says,  "Where in the  hell did that  come from?"   Chuckling to yourself, you realize that you must have been a better actor than you thought....
Because ...   NO ONE  seems to get it... 
You lost your job because you can't  get to work and/or you are not able to do your  job when you get there.  You look like  crap most days and feel like  crap  EVERY day..  
You have something that most people have never heard of and they  really  don't  want to know so don't tell them.   The only people that  get me are the ones that have it or  another disorder or  disease just like it.  
So here I sit at 3 a.m. alone crunching on carrots and  apple slices, well, I am alone, except for my 2 dogs..  who love me unconditionally and take my side on every issue known to man and canine..  HHAAHAAA..  
Ok that made me feel better so off to sleep I go.....

From Positively Positive..

since my fist blog was more of an introduction as to who I am and not as positive and upbeat as I wanted,  I thought I would add this more positive thought from:

Positively Positive

Our world is like a boomerang. If we throw anger, anger comes back; if we throw love, love comes back. If we throw negativity, negativity comes back; if we throw   positivity, positivity comes back.

Random thoughts... about me..

Hi my name is Susie and I suffer  from FIBROMYALGIA!!  Although I have blogged before, I have never let anyone read what I have written, after all  who would care?  Sound familiar?  
So  as  I said, I do have Fibromyalgia and was diagnosed several years ago. I fought the pull of pain and fatigue for many years up until the last few years, it seems to some, I have given up.  I still take the medications that my  Rheumatologist prescribes,  I don't have the  energy or  desire to do anything. Knowing that I would only be in pain afterwards doesn't  give me much want too.  
I wanted to try and  stay positive in my new blogging experience but today is just not a positive day.  So  should  I put it off for another day?  Probably but then again, probably  not... 
I lost my job almost 2 years ago.  A job that I loved but was more  stressful than I could handle.  It got to the point that  my work  suffered  from lack of  energy and the pain in my arms and shoulders. I tried another job a  few months  later, it  was not  stressful and the hardest part was  getting me there. After the  3rd  week, I was let go, business was  slow.  I had missed 3 out of 16  days of work, but that wasn't brought up in the " I am sorry  I have to let you go speech"!!  So here  I sit,  day after day,  wondering how I am suppose to go on, or maybe more like  how am  I suppose to FEEL  like it..  
I am still LEGALLY married too and  still live with my husband of 30 years..  ("that's all I will say about that").   I have 3  sons, the oldest was 8 years old when I married his dad.  He and his wife, who is a wonderful daughter-in-law and friend, have 2 sons, who are the most amazing 2 boys on the face of this earth.  My second son lives here  with us for the  time being.  His job changed and  he is re-grouping.  Our youngest is getting married in a couple of months to a  wonderful woman and has a daughter that melts your heart at first site. That brings my grandchildren count up to 3. I am SO very proud of all 3 of my sons.  They and their families are my main reason for  wanting to live.  God has  blessed  me in many ways and  I couldn't have  picked any better if I could have.   
I also have 2  dogs that make up (and  TAKE UP) my every day living routine.  They are my babies  that  took me  thru the  Empty Nest Syndrome which also started  about the  same  time that Fibromyalgia  entered into my life.  What  a wonderful combination, eh?  But they love me and give me that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, that most women desire and don't  get from their significant others. They are always happy to see me and even when I am not at my best,  they know when it is time for Mama to pet THEM...  LOL It's true..  they come to me when I need love and  attention, one of them will nudge me to pet  them, or snuggle under the  covers.  I also have a Cockatiel..  She lives in her own world and only lets me know  when her  food and  water bowls are empty.  Otherwise,  we co-habitate the same  space...  
My faith in God...  has not  all  together expired but is on the  back burner, I guess is a good  way of  saying it.   He  didn't  change,  I did... I still believe and I still  pray but for now that is all I am capable of.   
Well  my  Random thoughts blog turned out a little  longer than I thought so maybe I will work on it  alittle more and see  where  it  leads me.  Right now, my arms are starting to ache and its time to readjust..   OH  what the  heck, here  goes..   blog post # 1....